A Vienna Based animal rights group (Association against Animal Factories) has petitioned the courts in Austria to have a chimpanzee declared a “person”.
While I am convinced that this 26 year old chimp (named Hiasl) is probably a lot more intelligent than the morons who are promoting this absurdity, to the rest of us non-chimps this is an extreme example of the unlimited absurdity of which man is capable.
Supposedly the reason for this request is so that the chimp may legally receive financial gifts, which in Vienna, is a right apparently reserved for human beings. Apparently the shelter where Hiasl currently resides may go bankrupt. As is typical with most professional “activists”, they act emotionally . . . . . stupidly, and they don’t consider alternative or logical scenarios.
Hiasl will never live on his own (he really isn’t human – he’s a chimp). If he enjoys the standard chimp life span, he’ll spend the next 30 years or so in this, or some other shelter. So, there is absolutely no need for direct, personal financial gifts to Hiasl. If someone wants to support this chimp, they would donate to the shelter . . . . not to the chimp. Just like they have been doing for Hiasl since 1982!
If that isn't good enough . . . . . go ahead and contribute illegally! How bad can the punishment be for illegal monkey donating?
But being professional “activists”, these people(?) want the monkey to be declared a “person”. As if that is a simple (let alone sane) thing to do! Presumably as a “person”, the monkey would have all of the rights and responsibilities of a “person”:
He would have the right to live free . . . on his own, wherever he wished or could afford.
He could drive any car he can afford to buy with all the charitable gifts he’d be eligible to receive. He would have control over how those gifts are used.
He could marry another “person” (although I would seriously question whether his “mate” should qualify for that distinction either).
He could be arrested for defecating (and tossing) in public (if that sort of thing is against the law in Vienna).
He would serve jury duty, receive welfare, declare the “M” word as being politically incorrect, and sue any employer who required clothing for discrimination.
And of course, it wouldn’t just be Hiasl. Any such declaration would include all chimps. Since forced imprisonment of “persons” is probably against the law in Vienna, all chimps would be set free immediately.
In the end, I’d like to see a compromise. Set the chimps free but put animal rights activists in cages.
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